The account below tells of the strife between a mother and her teenage daughter:
It is 1a.m. Mrs Lee was about to turn in after waiting 2 hours for her daughter to come home. Just then, Jessica fumbles with her keys and opens the house door in a drunken stupor.
Jessica: Hi mum. You’re still awake?
Mrs Lee: Yes. I was waiting for…
Jessica: [Rattling on] The party I went to was a blast! Allison and the girls want to make a weekend trip to Bali and they invited me along! How cool is that? They’re planning to leave on Friday morning so we can maximize our time there! I shouldn’t be missing much from school except my English Language and Maths classes. I think I should have enough money to pay for the trip myself. May I go pleeeease?
Mrs Lee: No! You’re getting way out of hand! Have you got any idea what day it is today?! It’s a Sunday! You’re back this hour when you have school in the morning tomorrow and now you’re telling me you want to skip school for an overseas holiday??
Jessica: I knew it! I knew you’d react this way! Why can’t you be as cool as Allison’s mum? It’s not like I’m making you pay for the trip…
Mrs Lee: That’s not the point! You’re clearly too drunk to make yourself coherent. Go wash up and sleep early! You still have school tomorrow!
Jessica: Ugh! I hate you!! [Jessica storms into her room and slams the door shut]
Jessica storms out with a duffel bag filled with her clothes, all ready to leave home for good. She grabbed her passport and some cash, stepped out of the main door and never looked back.
Was there a need for Jessica to react this way in return of her mother’s concern? Was there anything that Mrs Lee could have done to prevent her daughter from leaving home?
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4 comments:
Jessica's reaction to her mother's concern was in fact outrageous. Perhaps she is not a mother yet, and would not understand everything she does is obviously out of love. I feel that her mother should not say her piece anymore. Maybe Jessica will come to her senses that she was being rude once she goes out and starts to reflect. Both parties need time to cool down as futher arguments will only worsen the matter. Resolving interpersonal conflict is hard work. It requires skill, self-awareness, courage,compassion and patience. Confronting differences tests the true quality of our relationships and further develops interdependence and mutuality.
I think the main problem here is a difference in values and priorities of both parties. Teenagers tend to be more playful, thus it is not surprising that Jessica prioritises the weekend trip above her studies. The mother, on the other hand, is concerned and knows the importance of schooling. To add on, it certainly does not help that Jessica is at a rebellious and reckless age; she probably throws her mum's caution to the wind. Lack of communication will deepen the gap between them.
Hence, I suggest that Mrs Lee use a soft approach, perhaps Jessica may be more willing to listen if both parties are calm. Talking to Jessica and letting her know what her mother's concerns are would definitely beat losing temper at her. Mrs Lee needs to manage her feelings better, being the adult here, in order to keep the situation under control. Mrs Lee's direct refusal to let Jessica go on her trip may be softened to a postponement of the trip instead.
After reading, it would be natural to feel that Jessica is definitely in the wrong, but what happen if you meet in such a situation in the future. would you like the similar outcome?
In Jessica shoes, she is greatly influenced by her friends. She compares and no doubt since she is only a teenager, she is not matured enough. She would tend to feel that it is a unfair treatment from her mother.
In her mothers shoes, she probably is brought up in a different environment, therefore made her very disappointed with her daughter.
Even though it is obvious that is was Jessica behaviour that was outrageous, as parents it is important to be also abit more sensitive. Perhaps it was the tone of the mother which cause the anger in Jesscia. As parents we need to understand that very actions and words that we put across to our child could reap different outcome.
In the situation, Jessica in her drunken state was unable to think clearly and rattled off whatever came to her mind. The conversation was clearly one mixed with heated emotions and feelings rather than well-defined thoughts. I think that this an apt illustration of the negative consequences to interpersonal communication when key emotional intelligence skills in knowing oneself are lacking. One of which is self-awareness and the other is self-regulation and control. Both Jessica and her mother are unable to recognize their emotions and their effects and much less to manage those impulsive feelings.
To resolve this conflict, the mother and daughter should approach the issue again in an appropriate setting and timing, putting across their views in a softer tone. Once each understands where the other is coming from, it is easier to reach a compromise to settle the issue such as going to Bali during school vacation instead of school term.
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